Skyrim vs. Anime – An Objective Comparison

Pic unrelated.

Despite being products of two drastically different psychoses, Skyrim and Anime (that is, Animeland, the magical land of magical schoolgirls, explosions, and skittles) are remarkably similar. Both are extremely inhospitable lands that contain some of the most dangerous environments ever known to man. They also may qualify as drugs.

That being said, in respect for the glorious Chairman Mao’s sponsorship of the ideals of “respect for diverse cultures and peoples,” it is pertinent that we compare and contrast these two generally unusual, occasionally creepy, and even fantastically insane realms.

1. Literary Achievements
Animeland: It seems the inhabitants, in a few cases, have a reoccurring penchant to live their lives like some mind screwing, post-modernist, insane incomprehensibility akin to that of Alice in Wonderland or 20th century Russian literature.
Skyrim: Scripture made by a living god that secretly shows, using Biblical style prose and poetry, that the world of Tamriel is actually that of a video game. Oh, and the Lusty Argonian Maid.
Winner: Skyrim.

2. Progressive Roles of Women in the Military
Animeland: Military women are sex objects
Skyrim: Military women are sex objects
Winner: Skyrim. At least they (probably) are wearing their panties or the pseudo-medieval equivalent.

3. Landscape
Animeland: Varies.
Skyrim: Varies.
Winner: Draw. Just kidding, Skyrim.

4. Safety and Security
Animeland: Statistics reveal Animeland to be an extremely dangerous to traverse, physically and mentally
Skyrim: Somewhat dangerous to traverse, despite the arrival of time-eating dragons
Winner: Draw. Bureaucratic regulations mandate that there needs to be at least one draw to ensure fairness.

5. Language
Animeland: High-pitched Japanese seems to be the default dialect among women. Its linguistic relationship with more standard dialects of Japanese is otherwise hard to discern.
Skyrim: Shouting at the sky can change weather or summon dragons.
Winner: Skyrim.

That's not the Dragon Language, it's ancient Mesopotamian cuneiform.

6. Musical Traditions
Animeland: Occasionally there exist decent ballads, but otherwise it’s the same thing.
Skyrim: Songs have the power to make universes explode.
Winner: Skyrim. Is there any comparison?

7. Courtship Customs
Animeland: This is better left unmentioned.
Skyrim: Marriage simply requires an inconsequential, petty trinket.
Winner: Animeland. Skyrim, unfortunately, encourages risky choices as it provides a small timeslot between engagement and marriage, and thus prevents serious contemplation on how one will now ruin one’s life forever.

8. Infant Mortality Rate
Animeland: Monstrously Low. For unexplained reasons the infant mortality rate for females is ridiculously low, hence why there are so many schoolgirls running around.
Skyrim: Absurdly High. There’s probably about 10 kids total running around the entire region.
Winner: Animeland.

9. Military Capabilities
Animeland: Giant mecha.
Skyrim: Manly shouts that rip through the fabric of time and space.
Winner: Skyrim

10. Byzantines
Animeland: …
Skyrim: Imperials are Romans. Romans are Byzantines.
Winner: Skyrim. No explaination needed.

Winner:

Skyrim 7-2

Sorry, anime fans, as much as I like a couple things here and there… but I saw this coming.

Pic also unrelated. Did you know this vaguely resembles Indic and Southeast Asian bas reliefs?

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China vs. Japan: An Objective Comparison

China and Japan sort of hate each other. It’s a known fact. They’re also the only two East Asian countries your average white person can name. Because of this, misconceptions arise, such as the idea that ninjas are from China, or that Tokyo is a province in China, which would actually be hilarious.

People don’t realize, for instance, that rice from China and rice from Japan are different. Rice from Japan is mushier and stickier from my experience, making it easier to pick up with chopsticks. However, Japanese chopsticks are fatter at the end, making it harder to pick up other stuff.

Therefore, because the common masses need to be educated about diverse peoples and cultures, I’ve devised an objective, scientific, unbiased, proletarian way to compare the two countries and see which one is awesomer based on 10 randomly selected aspects. Let’s start, then:

1. Greatest Invention Ever
Japan: Supercheap McWeddings at McDonalds
China: Mesopotamia as a children’s toy c. 3000 BC (source: The Onion)
Winner: China

2. Geography
Japan: a bunch of random islands
China: a chicken
Winner: China

It'd still look like a chicken without Tibet, Xinjiang, and Inner Mongolia.

3. Chances of Meeting Someone’s Who Hot
Japan: average, I guess?
China: there’s more people in China, so, by logical reasoning, there’s more hot people
Winner: China

4. Head of State’s Title
Japan: “Emperor”, the only one in the world
China: “President” is a rip-off of the American version
Winner: Japan

5. Medieval Weaponry
Japan: Katana are just swords, as hard as it is to believe
China: Repeating Crossbow – it’s a crossbow, it’s a machine gun; no, it’s a machine gun speed crossbow!
Winner: China

Used in Asian armies up until the 1900s. Beat that.

6. Best McDonalds Menu Item
Japan: Bacon Potato Pie
China: Chargrilled French Fries (at least in Hong Kong)
Winner: China

7. Worldwide Cultural Influence
Japan: anime, video games, and Pokemon
China: grandfather of all East Asian cultures; homeland of Confucianism, Taoism, Zen; inventor of the printing press and gunpowder; important part of the Silk Road trade network, etc. etc. etc.
Winner: Japan

8. Relations with Vietnam
Japan: about half a decade of occupation during WWII
China: 1000 years of occupation, followed by 1000 years of on and off aggressions up until the present day (arguably)
Winner: Japan

Average Vietnamese women going about daily business of beating up Chinese guys before returning home to beat their husbands.

9. History
Japan: bunch of warlords sitting around on an island killing each other (and themselves) and otherwise doing boring stuff until white people come along
China: too long to summarize
Winner: China

10. Double Headed Eagles
Japan: obscurely used in some obscure anime adaptation of some (obscure) video game
China: they probably invented it, but I can’t confirm that
Winner: Draw

Conclusion:
China wins 6-3. It invented East Asia, after all.
All hail the glorious People’s Republic!

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