The Imperial Senate Endorses Theodore Roosevelt for President of the United States of America

In the words of the esteemed magazine, the Economist, “America could do better than Barack Obama; sadly, Mitt Romney does not fit the bill.” In these troubling times, only one man has the courage, the madness, the intelligence, the manliness, and the imperial authority to lay claim to the as-of-currently decadent and decrepit American throne and successfully make America great once again.

He is Theodore Roosevelt.

Skeptics voice a number of concerns about the possibility and aptitude of a third Roosevelt presidency. Some say his 20th century solutions won’t work for 21st century problems. Some say he is too hot-tempered. Some say he is too revolutionary for his time. Some say he is dead. Some say he is immortal. But rest assured: the Imperial Senate believes that Theodore Roosevelt is the only person who has the ability to successful guide America in our troubling times.

For the convenience of the American masses, we outlay the advantages of a Roosevelt presidency below, and the man’s stances on the issues:

Military and National Security

In a Roosevelt presidency, America’s military expenditures as well as security threats to America will be reduced by 100%. In fact, there will be no military. Theodore Roosevelt will be the military. He is immune to bulletfire, single-handedly destroyed the Spanish in the Spanish-American war, and is what some call a “true” Chuck Norris – that is, what Chuck Norris wishes he could be. A Theodore Roosevelt can defeat anything using any weapon, be it a large stick, a handgun, or his bare judo-trained fists. Skeptics, however, might worry about what happens after Roosevelt dies. Who will protect us then? No worry. Roosevelt has children, grandchildren, and other descendants, and according to recent genetic studies, Roosevelt and his descendants carry an immortality, ultimate badass gene that allow them to destroy anything at will. Therefore, America will forever be safeguarded. Even more so, the entire world will be safeguarded. Theodore Roosevelt can punch Assad in the face and end the Syrian civil war. He can roundhouse kick the Euro and end the Euro crisis. He can even, with his peace-making credentials (see his Nobel Peace Prize), end the China-Japan squabble over the Senkaku/Diaoyu islands by stomping the islands into the sea so there’s nothing left to fight over. All in all, America and the entire world will be at peace.

Environment

Teddy Roosevelt likes hunting and bears. Therefore, he will protect the environment, because without the environment, how can anyone hunt cheetahs, elephants, and grizzly bears bare-handed like him?

Healthcare and Social Security

There will be no need for healthcare reform. In fact, there will be no need for healthcare at all under a Roosevelt presidency. Roosevelt’s immense courage will inspire all those around him, and his imposing nature will either kill or frighten off every single ailment known to man. After all, he killed his own asthma when he was a mere toddler. With everyone in perfect health, there social security will no longer be jeopardized, because no one will need to pay medical bills and thus can provide for the elderly more efficiently.

Social Issues

Admittedly, Theodore Roosevelt might offend some conservative voters with his rather liberal views. For instance, he believes that blacks are equal to whites: “the only wise and honorable and Christian thing to do is to treat each black man and each white man strictly on his merits as a man.” He has even appointed blacks to federal office, which has alienated some traditionalist voters, particularly in the south. Even more bravely, he has appointed a Jew to a cabinet position.

Economy

Theodore Roosevelt will punch the economy in the face, thus ending the Great Recession. Theodore Roosevelt will also punch corporation CEOs in the face for being mean, making liberals happy. He will also punch Union leaders for being wussies (compared with union leaders in his day), making conservatives sort of happy.

Education

With the immeasurable wealth pouring into America, Theodore Roosevelt can spend leftover sums of money on educating the next generation of Americans into world-class badasses. America will become the next Eden.

All in all, a vote for Theodore Roosevelt is a vote for imperial glory unmatched since the days of… well, the last Theodore Roosevelt presidency. But Roosevelt cannot be POTUS if you do not vote for him. So go out, cast your ballot for Roosevelt, and ensure a better America for tomorrow, and other idealistic nonsensical slogans designed to inspire people.

In an age of darkness, when the hordes of darkness in their darkness are darkening the already darkened world, only one man has the courage to be liberal, conservative, and moderate at the same time without being a flip-flopper; only one man has the strength to punch all of America’s problems in the face; only one man is so immortal that he cannot be killed by bullets, that even death itself cowers in fear when it merely hears his name. And only one man has the ability to solve all the world’s problems easily. That man is Theodore Roosevelt.

For this reason, the Imperial Senate wholeheartedly, firmly, and enthusiastically endorses Theodōros Roseveltēs for Byzantine-Roman Emperor, God-Emperor of mankind, and POTUS.

Actually, Teddy Roosevelt never died. He is sleeping under Mount Rushmore, waiting until the day when America needs him most. When that day comes, he shall emerge on a white steed and rid America of its enemies and woes and usher in a new age of imperial peace.

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US Congress, Even Genghis Khan is better at Totalitarianism: You’re Not There… Yet.

In case you didn't notice, they're both Republicans and Democrats in here. Yay for bi-partisan opposition.

Give these guys a pat on the back. They figured it wasn’t cool to be part of an Authoritarian government.

The New Age-y hype about the 2012 Mayan prophecy might not be so far-fetched after all.

I have recently begun worrying about recent legislation by the US Congress which, to put it bluntly, are atrocious in nature and intention. In other words, I am denouncing the US Congress for their attempts to destroy vegetables (yes!), the internet, and, most alarmingly, the so-called “freedoms” America was (supposedly) founded on. There’s a reason they’re even less popular than Paris Hilton.

Originally I thought about discussing the Pizza thing and the SOPA/Protect IP Act, but people have been ranting about that enough online, and you can look at the links at the bottom of this post for more. There’s something even more serious here, something more sinister, and something a lot of people haven’t really heard about, compliments of the media.

The US is at War

“The United States has struggled to craft laws and procedures to prosecute the unprecedented kind of war that came to our shores on Sept. 11, 2001.”

Senators Levin and McCain

I didn’t know America was waging an “unprecedented kind of war”. Well, yes, America is at war with “Terror,” a vaguely defined military concept (like “War on Near-Sub-Machinegun Speed Crossbows,” “War on Trench Warfare,” “War on Tanks,” “War on Ancient Chinese Strategems,” or “War on Bombs”). But I digress.

The so-called National Defense Authorization Act has already been passed by both houses of Congress. It has bipartisan support. And bipartisan opposition – from people and groups ranging from Democrats and Republicans to Tea Partyers, the FBI, the secretary of Defense, the directors of national intelligence, and Obama himself (who threatens to veto it should it pass).

The Christian Science Monitor nicely summarizes one of the most controversial parts of the bill which

“require[s] military custody of a terror suspect believed to be a member of Al Qaeda or its affiliates and involved in attacks on the United States.  […]the bill would deny US citizens suspected of being terrorists the right to trial, subjecting them to indefinite detention […]”

Furthermore, as a Republic Senator (Lindsey Graham) says, the bill will

“say in law for the first time that the homeland is part of the battlefield.”

So, to put it simply for those of us who don’t comprehend authoritarian rule of the likes of Genghis Khan or Alexander the Great, basically, if you are even suspected of being a terrorist, you’re locked up indefinitely. The “war” (what war?) is coming back home.

For those of us too young to remember, similar things happened before, most notoriously during World War II. Several times. And it wasn’t pretty. And this isn’t even a WWII situation we have here currently, and America already needs more or less de facto internment of “suspected terrorists”? I thought America was already doing a “good enough job” dealing with “terrorists” already? Guess pulling out of Iraq doesn’t mean much, then.

When the people against this range across the political spectrum, including Glenn Beck, Rand Paul, Al Franken, the ACLU, General Petraeus, Ron Paul, you know that something is definitely wrong. The President threatened to veto the bill earlier… then decided not to veto it after all. Too bad, too bad. Fortunately I never had high hopes for him nor McCain. History rolls on, folks!

Thankfully I couldn't vote for either Obama or McCain in the previous election.

Conclusion

Welcome to the future, folks. For years, I thought sci-fi dystopia was a bit wacky and fantastical, the ideas of having mega-corporations and/or corrupt police states lording over everyone a tad bit far-fetched. I was wrong: dystopia is on our doorstep, very close, just like it always was. That being said, the bill might not be so dangerous as it may seem, and things will roll along as they always had since there’s no one to detain anyways. Then again, I don’t think that gamble is worth taking.

And so, history rolls on, and I will have to worry about my schoolwork for the next quarter. Thankfully, I don’t have to worry about a huge war threatening the lives of every single one of us. Right? Now I just need some good war music to soothe the soul and bring peace and prosperity to the illustrious and hope-filled future of mankind, a place where we can go beyond the mere barbarity, cynicism, oppression, and Byzantine-haters of the past.

Of course, all that said, Genghis Khan would laugh at what weaklings Americans are.

 

Further Reading

Pizza

Internet

War

 

If Theodore Roosevelt was considered un-American, the world would explode through his rage.

Denounce Herman Cain: Unite Against the Imperialist, Bourgeois Thought of Herman Cain

The struggle of the masses against capitalism, imperialism, and reactionarism is an international struggle. Comrades! Such a struggle can only be forged through worldly knowledge and collective decisiveness. Therefore, unite, comrades! Unite, masses! Denounce the reactionary, Herman Cain! Denounce his speech which pollutes itself with deceptions and drowns itself in the ocean of ignorance!

Let the wisdom of Chairman Mao and the righteousness of Socialist thought reveal the transgressions of Herman Cain against our internationalist struggle. Let the masses see the falsehoods Herman Cain has proclaimed. Let all comrades understand how Herman Cain has unjustly denounced fellow world revolutionaries.

He has denounced our fellow Muslim brothers and sisters: “…based upon the little knowledge that I have of the Muslim religion, you know, they have an objective to convert all infidels or kill them.”

He has denounced our fellow African-American brothers and sisters: “[African-Americans] have been brainwashed into not being open-minded, not even considering a conservative point of view.”

Most arrogantly, he has denounced the great Soviet Republic, Uzbekistan: “And when they ask me who is the president of Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan I’m going to say, you know, I don’t know. Do you know? [… It is just another] small insignificant state.”

Do the capitalists know any humility? Still, comrades, I earnestly believe that Herman Cain shames even his fellow bourgeoisie imperialists with his maddening displays of ignorance. It is a clear sign of the denigration of capitalist democracy when there are fools in imperialist America who support proletariat-enslaving, knowledge-mocking, diplomacy-corrupting dunces like Herman Cain.

Comrades! Mao Zedong Thought says: “It is the duty of the revolution to respect diverse peoples and cultures. There is no revolution without this.” Therefore, we must purge Hermain Cain Thought, the Thought that breeds arrogance, fascism, ignorance, and the narrow-minded bourgeoisie-pandering of the capitalists. Is the whole world insignificant? No! Even Marx recognized the imperfection of the world, but we must not denounce the international worker’s spirit of cooperation, understanding, and basic geographical knowledge!

Do not denounce basic knowledge of geography! Denouce Herman Cain, for he denounces basic knowledge of geography, for he denounces the basic knowledge that the masses must know! But this reactionary, this paper tiger Herman Cain, he defends ignorance, he defends idiocy, for he believes that this is what will charm the American masses.

Mao Zedong says: “Let a hundred flowers bloom: let a hundred schools of thought contend is the policy for promoting progress in the arts and the sciences and a flourishing socialist culture in our land.” Therefore, it is the duty of the educated and rational masses to not be persuaded by the soothing, friendly words of Herman Cain, for his speech encourages only ignorance and delusion. We must counter-denounce him with the greatest of rigor and spirit before he denounces all of the masses. We must purge ourselves of the ignorance he embraces. We must support knowledge and good thoughts, cooperation and internationalism in order to preserve the security and prosperity of the world.

Denounce Herman Cain!

P.S. Herman Cain’s 9-9-9 plan was plagarized from Sim City 4, which is a totally awesome game. Like one of the awesomest ever.

Asian Parents Aren’t the Only People who Think Humanities and Social Sciences are Useless

Because Florida Republicans have converted to that mindset. Or at least Florida governor Rick Scott did.

The governor recently stated in an interview about how college students need to focus more on subjects dealing with science, technology, engineering, or math (STEM) instead of less “practical” subjects – which pretty much by definition would include anything in the Humanities or Social Sciences. Okay, fair enough. I strongly disagree with that, but I consider it a legitimate (if misguided) idea. However, he went a bit further, with Anthropology as his choice (of all the wonderful non-STEM subjects) for lashing:

“Is it a vital interest of the state to have more anthropologists? I don’t think so.”

He added in a later interview:

“It’s a great degree if people want to get it. But we don’t need them here.”

The backlash from Anthropologists, particularly those in Florida, was intense, and justifiably so. The governor, so it seems, holds an erroneous, stereotypical idea of Anthropology that most of us also hold: that Anthropology is a subject concerned with only studying isolated tribes in the middle of some jungle. Most of us who have had exposure to Anthropology know better. Anthropologists have found employment in various places – including international corporations, the government, ICT companies, the military, and so forth – where their knowledge of culture and society are needed. Surprising as it is to some, Anthropologists study people – regardless of whether they are from the Bagwere tribe of Uganda, downtown Chicago, business settings in New York, or an Iraqi village near a US army base. The field is far from useless, especially with the advent of so-called globalization. But I won’t really rant too much about that here; if you want to read more, go search google (although two articles (here and here) are good places to start). Or, heck, just talk to an actual anthropologist.

Governor Scott’s sentiments are nothing new for us Asians. Stereotypically, Asian parents have always had distaste for the Humanities and Social Sciences. However, I find it a dangerous mindset. The only degree that can guarantee you a job is either a medical or engineering degree, right? I admit it’s probably true. Statistically, apparently, those who major in STEM or economics/finance/business tend to have higher starting salaries and are blessed with better job demand. Fair enough. But here is what I think is a problem.

Not everyone can or should get STEM. Imagine the problems that would happen if 90% of graduates got STEM degrees. Or, heck, even if 50% of graduates got STEM degrees, that still poses a big problem. I simply don’t think employers are looking for that many people. Alright, I admit I don’t have the statistics for this, but I think my point still stands. It is impossible to have so many jobs available for just a select amount of sectors.

And furthermore, there is a need for people in the Humanities and Social Sciences. Because those majors teach you to analyze and study people, their behavior, and their attitudes. And that’s important, frankly, because, cliché as it sounds, humans are social animals. Some types of jobs and careers simply demand people who might not necessarily know as much about STEM subjects. As an example: who would you trust in dealing with intense international negotiations – an Engineering major or a Political Science major? Honestly I’d trust neither, but I’ll be more willing to place my bets that a PoliSci major has more knowledge about how to conduct international relations.

I love Western-style freedoms.