The Imperial Senate Endorses Theodore Roosevelt for President of the United States of America

In the words of the esteemed magazine, the Economist, “America could do better than Barack Obama; sadly, Mitt Romney does not fit the bill.” In these troubling times, only one man has the courage, the madness, the intelligence, the manliness, and the imperial authority to lay claim to the as-of-currently decadent and decrepit American throne and successfully make America great once again.

He is Theodore Roosevelt.

Skeptics voice a number of concerns about the possibility and aptitude of a third Roosevelt presidency. Some say his 20th century solutions won’t work for 21st century problems. Some say he is too hot-tempered. Some say he is too revolutionary for his time. Some say he is dead. Some say he is immortal. But rest assured: the Imperial Senate believes that Theodore Roosevelt is the only person who has the ability to successful guide America in our troubling times.

For the convenience of the American masses, we outlay the advantages of a Roosevelt presidency below, and the man’s stances on the issues:

Military and National Security

In a Roosevelt presidency, America’s military expenditures as well as security threats to America will be reduced by 100%. In fact, there will be no military. Theodore Roosevelt will be the military. He is immune to bulletfire, single-handedly destroyed the Spanish in the Spanish-American war, and is what some call a “true” Chuck Norris – that is, what Chuck Norris wishes he could be. A Theodore Roosevelt can defeat anything using any weapon, be it a large stick, a handgun, or his bare judo-trained fists. Skeptics, however, might worry about what happens after Roosevelt dies. Who will protect us then? No worry. Roosevelt has children, grandchildren, and other descendants, and according to recent genetic studies, Roosevelt and his descendants carry an immortality, ultimate badass gene that allow them to destroy anything at will. Therefore, America will forever be safeguarded. Even more so, the entire world will be safeguarded. Theodore Roosevelt can punch Assad in the face and end the Syrian civil war. He can roundhouse kick the Euro and end the Euro crisis. He can even, with his peace-making credentials (see his Nobel Peace Prize), end the China-Japan squabble over the Senkaku/Diaoyu islands by stomping the islands into the sea so there’s nothing left to fight over. All in all, America and the entire world will be at peace.

Environment

Teddy Roosevelt likes hunting and bears. Therefore, he will protect the environment, because without the environment, how can anyone hunt cheetahs, elephants, and grizzly bears bare-handed like him?

Healthcare and Social Security

There will be no need for healthcare reform. In fact, there will be no need for healthcare at all under a Roosevelt presidency. Roosevelt’s immense courage will inspire all those around him, and his imposing nature will either kill or frighten off every single ailment known to man. After all, he killed his own asthma when he was a mere toddler. With everyone in perfect health, there social security will no longer be jeopardized, because no one will need to pay medical bills and thus can provide for the elderly more efficiently.

Social Issues

Admittedly, Theodore Roosevelt might offend some conservative voters with his rather liberal views. For instance, he believes that blacks are equal to whites: “the only wise and honorable and Christian thing to do is to treat each black man and each white man strictly on his merits as a man.” He has even appointed blacks to federal office, which has alienated some traditionalist voters, particularly in the south. Even more bravely, he has appointed a Jew to a cabinet position.

Economy

Theodore Roosevelt will punch the economy in the face, thus ending the Great Recession. Theodore Roosevelt will also punch corporation CEOs in the face for being mean, making liberals happy. He will also punch Union leaders for being wussies (compared with union leaders in his day), making conservatives sort of happy.

Education

With the immeasurable wealth pouring into America, Theodore Roosevelt can spend leftover sums of money on educating the next generation of Americans into world-class badasses. America will become the next Eden.

All in all, a vote for Theodore Roosevelt is a vote for imperial glory unmatched since the days of… well, the last Theodore Roosevelt presidency. But Roosevelt cannot be POTUS if you do not vote for him. So go out, cast your ballot for Roosevelt, and ensure a better America for tomorrow, and other idealistic nonsensical slogans designed to inspire people.

In an age of darkness, when the hordes of darkness in their darkness are darkening the already darkened world, only one man has the courage to be liberal, conservative, and moderate at the same time without being a flip-flopper; only one man has the strength to punch all of America’s problems in the face; only one man is so immortal that he cannot be killed by bullets, that even death itself cowers in fear when it merely hears his name. And only one man has the ability to solve all the world’s problems easily. That man is Theodore Roosevelt.

For this reason, the Imperial Senate wholeheartedly, firmly, and enthusiastically endorses Theodōros Roseveltēs for Byzantine-Roman Emperor, God-Emperor of mankind, and POTUS.

Actually, Teddy Roosevelt never died. He is sleeping under Mount Rushmore, waiting until the day when America needs him most. When that day comes, he shall emerge on a white steed and rid America of its enemies and woes and usher in a new age of imperial peace.

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US Congress, Even Genghis Khan is better at Totalitarianism: You’re Not There… Yet.

In case you didn't notice, they're both Republicans and Democrats in here. Yay for bi-partisan opposition.

Give these guys a pat on the back. They figured it wasn’t cool to be part of an Authoritarian government.

The New Age-y hype about the 2012 Mayan prophecy might not be so far-fetched after all.

I have recently begun worrying about recent legislation by the US Congress which, to put it bluntly, are atrocious in nature and intention. In other words, I am denouncing the US Congress for their attempts to destroy vegetables (yes!), the internet, and, most alarmingly, the so-called “freedoms” America was (supposedly) founded on. There’s a reason they’re even less popular than Paris Hilton.

Originally I thought about discussing the Pizza thing and the SOPA/Protect IP Act, but people have been ranting about that enough online, and you can look at the links at the bottom of this post for more. There’s something even more serious here, something more sinister, and something a lot of people haven’t really heard about, compliments of the media.

The US is at War

“The United States has struggled to craft laws and procedures to prosecute the unprecedented kind of war that came to our shores on Sept. 11, 2001.”

Senators Levin and McCain

I didn’t know America was waging an “unprecedented kind of war”. Well, yes, America is at war with “Terror,” a vaguely defined military concept (like “War on Near-Sub-Machinegun Speed Crossbows,” “War on Trench Warfare,” “War on Tanks,” “War on Ancient Chinese Strategems,” or “War on Bombs”). But I digress.

The so-called National Defense Authorization Act has already been passed by both houses of Congress. It has bipartisan support. And bipartisan opposition – from people and groups ranging from Democrats and Republicans to Tea Partyers, the FBI, the secretary of Defense, the directors of national intelligence, and Obama himself (who threatens to veto it should it pass).

The Christian Science Monitor nicely summarizes one of the most controversial parts of the bill which

“require[s] military custody of a terror suspect believed to be a member of Al Qaeda or its affiliates and involved in attacks on the United States.  […]the bill would deny US citizens suspected of being terrorists the right to trial, subjecting them to indefinite detention […]”

Furthermore, as a Republic Senator (Lindsey Graham) says, the bill will

“say in law for the first time that the homeland is part of the battlefield.”

So, to put it simply for those of us who don’t comprehend authoritarian rule of the likes of Genghis Khan or Alexander the Great, basically, if you are even suspected of being a terrorist, you’re locked up indefinitely. The “war” (what war?) is coming back home.

For those of us too young to remember, similar things happened before, most notoriously during World War II. Several times. And it wasn’t pretty. And this isn’t even a WWII situation we have here currently, and America already needs more or less de facto internment of “suspected terrorists”? I thought America was already doing a “good enough job” dealing with “terrorists” already? Guess pulling out of Iraq doesn’t mean much, then.

When the people against this range across the political spectrum, including Glenn Beck, Rand Paul, Al Franken, the ACLU, General Petraeus, Ron Paul, you know that something is definitely wrong. The President threatened to veto the bill earlier… then decided not to veto it after all. Too bad, too bad. Fortunately I never had high hopes for him nor McCain. History rolls on, folks!

Thankfully I couldn't vote for either Obama or McCain in the previous election.

Conclusion

Welcome to the future, folks. For years, I thought sci-fi dystopia was a bit wacky and fantastical, the ideas of having mega-corporations and/or corrupt police states lording over everyone a tad bit far-fetched. I was wrong: dystopia is on our doorstep, very close, just like it always was. That being said, the bill might not be so dangerous as it may seem, and things will roll along as they always had since there’s no one to detain anyways. Then again, I don’t think that gamble is worth taking.

And so, history rolls on, and I will have to worry about my schoolwork for the next quarter. Thankfully, I don’t have to worry about a huge war threatening the lives of every single one of us. Right? Now I just need some good war music to soothe the soul and bring peace and prosperity to the illustrious and hope-filled future of mankind, a place where we can go beyond the mere barbarity, cynicism, oppression, and Byzantine-haters of the past.

Of course, all that said, Genghis Khan would laugh at what weaklings Americans are.

 

Further Reading

Pizza

Internet

War

 

If Theodore Roosevelt was considered un-American, the world would explode through his rage.

Denounce Bicyclists: Bicyclists are Imperialists of the Road

The people’s roads are a marvel of modern, socialist thought and engineering, a wonder for all noble workers to share. Yet there are those who seek to destroy the peace of the masses’ pavement. These are the imperialistic cyclists.

Cyclists are the scourge of our noble, socialist roads where reside and travel our noble, socialist automobiles. I do not mean to say that all cyclists are ignoble, capitalist bourgeoisie. Some of them, however, are certainly so. The following scenario is one I encounter often, and one I am sure you too, comrades, have experienced:

I am sitting in my red car, driving peacefully on our glorious people’s roads, singing praises to the people’s democracy. As I am driving on my lane – as dictated by the most worthy people’s collective law – and only my lane – no further to the right, no further to the left – I see a cyclist, sometimes two, sometimes three, sometimes a hundredfold that, riding their bicycle(s) down the road. Here is a danger! The problem is I do not want to run over the cyclist; yet he is riding directly on the road where I drive, and he rides his bicycle so dangerously close to my lane. Thus, I have to swerve around him – sometimes gently like the sweet songs of socialist utopia, sometimes violently like the raging war cries of the people’s revolution – to avoid catastrophe for both the cyclist and I. Yet even so because of the bicyclist’s dangerous proximity to me, I am made unnecessarily anxious and fearful, like as if the imperialists were coming to destroy the workers’ factories.

The cyclists, through their imperialist desire to steal the pavement, puts all – be they drivers, pedestrians, or the cyclists themselves – in danger. By placing themselves too close to other cars, they increase the chance of automobile incidents. I have wondered why they have never bothered to use the sidewalk instead of the actual road. In many places, our people’s roads have sidewalks large enough that a cyclist can easily go around fellow pedestrians and cars.

I do not say that all cyclists are filthy capitalists or imperialists who always steal roads from drivers and pedestrians. Many have no choice in their actions; some need it to go to work for the betterment of the workers of the world, for instance. Here, however, I denounce those cyclists who merely do so for entertainment (bourgeoisie recreation!), for instance, and those who continuously have no regard for the drivers they may encounter. The driver is going 200 miles an hour, the cyclist 10 mph: only the latter has more time to think and stop or pull his vehicle to the side! And yet cyclists rarely do, almost ignoring that drivers, too, exist on the roads. Do the cyclists imply that the road is theirs for the taking? Imperialists! They have no regard for drivers and pedestrians with whom they share the roads with. Mao Zedong thought stresses: “If we are to respect diverse peoples and cultures, we must do so by equally sharing the sadness and the happiness of the worker’s paradise.”

Thus, if you are a loving, Marx-fearing, people’s hall-going cyclist, I applaud you for continuing to be wary of drivers and pedestrians. But otherwise, it is imperative that the masses awake and denounce the capitalist, imperialist, bourgeoisie threat on our roads.

Denounce the corrupt, imperialist bicyclists! Denounce them and free our pavement!

P.S. The only imperialist who deserves to use his bicycle in an imperialist manner is Theodore Roosevelt.

P.S.S. Further reading, for no reason at all:

The People's Soviet Bear demonstrating how to fight the cyclist-imperialists.

Asians are Good at Bowing

As an Asian, I find many aspects of Asian culture, like pandas, kung pao chicken, ninjas, karate fu, samurai, K-pop, and octopus tentacles to be kind of uninteresting. Not to mention that those things don’t really represent Asian culture that well anyways. However, one thing I do think Asians got right is bowing.

In most East and South Asian cultures, bowing is not just a greeting. A bow can also show respect, an apology, self-deprecation, thanks, gratitude, marriage, condolences, humility, remorse, deference, and expressing to the other person how much you yourself suck.

While the overt displays of respect and even submissiveness might turn off some of us who have been raised in “Western” society, I actually like it. I find the supposedly humiliating gesture much more genuine and straightforward than a simple “I am sorry” statement, for instance. It also ensures that you know that the other person knows that you are sorry.

Teddy Roosevelt: the only person who bows to no one.

At least that’s how I see it. I hate having to guess someone else’s intentions or feelings, or having to guess whether someone else understands mine.

As a final note, about two years ago people were freaking out when Obama bowed to Asian heads of state and government, particularly the Japanese Emperor. Some Americans got pissed off that Obama was being “submissive” and “weak” towards world leaders. Others, trying to keep respect for diverse peoples and cultures in mind, however, said that Obama did do something very wrong. But it wasn’t that he bowed.

The problem was that he did the wrong type of bow. Supposedly.

Types of Japanese bows.

In Asia, but most particularly Japan, bows can be differentiated by the angle the body makes, the angle your head is at respect to the rest of the body, where your eyes are looking at, whether you’re also doing a handshake or not, and so forth. But I won’t comment much further, as tons of people ranted about this two years ago. Actually I don’t know if the Japanese themselves cared. They probably thought Americans are funny at worst. Obama might not have done the wrong type of bow, actually. People here in America don’t really know the actual protocols behind bowing in Japan and Asia, so for all we know Obama might have just done the right thing. If anything, all the media attention given to the bow two years ago just shows the lack of knowledge about diverse peoples and cultures around these days.

Respect for diverse peoples and cultures is difficult. But it is also very important. Anyhow, I think bowing should be used more often since it’s so blatantly obvious and hard to miss. Because in Japan, if you fail to show such respect or remorse, you might have to do seppuku.

Shame

I’d Vote for Rick Perry if Teddy Roosevelt was his Vice-President and if He Learned Respect for Diverse Peoples and Cultures Like China

Teddy Roosevelt: Awesomest American ever.

I find Rick Perry problematic, much like how I find soggy French fries, inefficient bureaucracy, and Asian chicks who dye their hair ridiculous colors and act cutesy problematic. But that aside, I want to praise glorious People’s Republic of China at Perry’s expense.

In a recent interview with conservative radio host Laura Ingraham, Perry made the following side comment about China:

You know, China disregarded the world for a millennium… and they lived in their own little world. [America] can’t afford to do that.

I don’t know if the average Chinese person would be offended, but I would be if I were Chinese. This attitude about historical China – that it was a reactionary, isolationist civilization that refused to change – is one that even some historians believe.

Even a quick glance at Chinese history within the last “millennium,” as Perry puts it, would easily undermine any such claim that China “disregarded” everyone else and “lived in their own little world.” Some examples:

  • China was one of the if not the largest economies in the world up until the 1700s and 1800s. Chinese products such as silk, ceramics, coins, and so forth, have been found as far as places like Italy, Arabia, Persia, India, Indonesia, Russia, Kenya, Mozambique, and maybe even Zimbabwe. Why the heck do you think all those crazy white dudes like Columbus wanted to sail to China? To be brainwashed by Chinese propaganda?
  • The Imperial Chinese government allowed for various ethnic, religious, and political groups to settle in China, not counting those that were already in China. During the past millennium, people such as Muslims, Nestorian Christians, Central Asians, Southeast Asians, Persians, and other white people all moved to China, particularly because of the lucrative economic opportunities.
  • China was very much involved in the political affairs of everyone around them. Up until the 1800s or so, nearby countries were forced/persuaded to pay tribute. These included states in modern-day countries such as Vietnam, Korea, Japan, Mongolia, Nepal, Indonesia, Cambodia, Thailand, Burma, and all those Stans in Central Asia. You don’t go around asking for tribute if you, well, “disregard the world.” Additionally, China did get involved in international affairs in other states. For instance, China assisted Korea in defending against a Japanese invasion in the late 1500s, of which had important historical ramifications for the three countries and even Mongolia. China also invaded Vietnam a few times, but they all failed because Vietnamese housewives beat their husbands.

    Chinese ships helping their Korean comrades by blowing up Samurai.

  • Chinese ships helping their Korean comrades. The Samurai don’t stand a chance. Notice the rockets. So much for a backwards military.
  •  Perhaps one of the clearest shows of Chinese power and domination during the Imperial era were the voyages of Zheng He, which lasted from 1405 to 1433. Long story, a Muslim eunuch named Zheng He (he was Muslim, but the Chinese emperor didn’t really care about that, now did he?) was appointed admiral and sailed in this huge fleet to a bunch of places, including but not limited to Southeast Asia, Indonesia, India, Persia, the Middle East, and Africa. The ships sailed by Zheng He were possibly some of the largest ships in the world until the 1800s, reaching hundreds of feet in length and holding hundreds of sailors and other personnel. Regardless, Zheng He made a good point convincing most countries he met why pleasing China was a good idea (or at least that China meant $$$ and a good business opportunities).

    Zheng He, epitome of what Rick Perry considers to be a civilization that "lives in its own little world."

  •  Even after China stopped these voyages and put restrictions on merchants and other travelers on where they could go, that did not mean that China suddenly “lived in their own little world” and turned into a backwards reactionary state in two seconds. During the Ming Dynasty, for instance, when these restrictions were first imposed en masse, the Chinese were still willing to trade with Europe; in particular, China stockpiled on a lot of silver coming from Spanish colonies in the America (the collapse of Spain’s gold and silver markets in the early 1600s might have been one of the causes of the collapse of the Ming Dynasty). Again, this doesn’t show “disregard for the world” if you go stocking up on stuff that is mined half a world away by Amerindian and Black slaves.

So given all these blatant counterexamples to Perry’s claim that China “disregarded the world” and “lived in [it’s] own little world” for the last “millennium”, why do a lot of people like Perry – and even some academics – continue to claim that China was a stagnant, self-interested, reactionary civilization in the previous millennium, and particularly the last few centuries?

It’s quite simple, I think, and it all rests on the fact that the Chinese (and other powerful non-Western civilizations such as India, Persia, Indonesia, Arabia, and West Africa) weren’t (and aren’t) white Europeans. China didn’t go around exploring vast territories, killing most of the natives, colonizing now empty lands, and reaping in the resources. But Europe did. Since Chinese people aren’t like Europeans, the Europeans logically concluded that they must have been inferior. Respect for diverse peoples and cultures at its finest.

Though China didn’t go on mass murdering colonization rampages (that’s not to say they didn’t do very mean things themselves), they did progress in different ways. For instance, China developed a number of innovations during this time, including but not limited to gunpowder, barreled gunpowder weapons, paper currency, movable type printing, archaeology, grenades, land mines, naval mines, forensics, rockets, multi-stage rockets, bureaucratic red tape, and political corruption.

Technically this is a Korean weapon, but it is similar to a number of Chinese rocket weapons during the same era. In short, rockets beat samurai.

Economically speaking, China had no reason to go on crazy adventures like the Europeans. It was not necessarily because they had all the resources they needed back home; rather, it was because places like the Americas and the African coasts were too far away, and merchants were already moving back and forth between other parts of Asia and the Middle East already making good profits, so why bother waste funds sending Chinese men on risky expeditions to the middle of nowhere?

Perry’s claim that China “lived in their own world” is perhaps fueled by a Western misconception of China’s own perception of its place in the world. For a very long time, China considered itself the center of the civilized world, hence its modern name “Zhōngguó,” which means “Middle Kingdom” or “Middle Nation”. It had good reason to be, though, given all its achievements and how big it was compared to most of the states around it. Thus, when Europeans first came to China, the Chinese scoffed at them, particularly when the Europeans refused to pay respects to the Chinese officials in the Chinese way (kowtowing) for instance. So much for respect for diverse peoples and cultures. Europeans and Americans have since misinterpreted this attitude as an arrogant, self-interested one, since, of course, anybody who wasn’t going around colonizing and killing was either stupid and uncivilized or self-interested and backwards.

In fact, the Chinese were just as self-righteous, prejudiced, and conceited as the Europeans were. They just expressed their bastardom in different ways.

And that, I think, is what respect for diverse peoples and cultures boils down to: learning how and why other peoples and cultures are just the same bastards as you are.

I don’t blame Perry for his comments, though; as stated earlier, most people – and even a number of historians – still hold the same, outdated misconceptions of China, and these misconceptions won’t go away for a while. I just hope that everybody learns to respect diverse peoples and cultures. Seriously. It would make international relations a lot easier.

Anyhow, still, when it comes to Republicans, I think I’d rather trust Jon Huntsman over Perry when it comes to China. Actually, just make Teddy Roosevelt the Republican nominee again, seriously. I’d totally willingly vote Obama out of office if that happened.