Dear America: Great Shame Comes to the Asian Race when We and our Foods are Confused

Not two hours ago, embarrassed was I when I read this article. Great anger and shame overwhelmed me as the journalist suggests that all Asians are alike. Great rage enveloped me: could these white devils really think that glorious People’s Republic is the same as wanton Japan?

The proper and honorable reaction to reading this article, the demonstration by honorable Jackie Chan.

Dear readers, the dishonor of this article is great. Necessary is it to withhold ire when reading this article. Necessary is it to withhold ignominy when reading this article. Normal Americans were lied to, told that the progeny of the exalted Obama-san will eat Japanese food on the day of Pearl Harbor. These are deceptions of the greatest shame!

Do the white devils have no honor? Do they have no understanding? Do they have no culture? Time will be wasted if we argue with the ignorant, but we must counter their ignorance. Let us confer the facts and reveal the deceptions.

The article says that the progeny of Obama-san eat “Japanese food” on this day, the 7th of December. The article says that Obama-san’s progeny eat such Japanese food at their school cafeteria. This is deception!

Perhaps the erudite reader can inspect the menu itself and inform him or herself of the Japanese nature of this Asian menu featured in the cafeteria of Obama-san’s progeny:

Asian Mushroom Soup
Oriental Noodle Salad
Classic Spinach Salad
Teriyaki Marinated Chicken Strips
Szechuan Tofu & Veggies
Garlic Roasted Edamame
Vegetable Fried Rice
Fortune Cookies

Ground yourself in the manners of critical reasoning! Only “Teriyaki Marinated Chicken Strips” are vaguely Japanese! Placed on the menu are also many “Chinese” foods: “Szechuan Tofu & Veggies” and “Fortune Cookies”!

Perhaps Americans imagine Chinese and Japanese to be the same? Perhaps Americans forget that China fought much the cruelty of Japan in WWII? Perhaps Americans forget that the squint of the eyes of Asians differs in each of us? Should Kung Pao Chicken be Japanese? Should Pho be Japanese? Should Kimchi be Japanese? Such deceptions are most shameful.

Most shameful is it that America continues to misunderstand the Asian race. Is Japan the same as China? Is Korea the same as Vietnam? Shall Mongolia and Thailand be the same? I call to honorable and intelligent Americans: letting not your devil countrymen confuse the Asian peoples must now be your great quest.

How terrible! Upon reading this article, the questions that must grapple the mind: shall the delicacies of Asian food be considered unpatriotic on December 7th? Shall I refuse rice and soybean on this day to appear “patriotic”? Shall I refuse afternoon tea when comes the day of the War of 1812’s anniversary?

I am greatly dishonored today, but fret not. There is an even greater deception here.

How can there exist a delicious-sounding and nutritious school lunch at all?

I like Homestyle tofu, actually. Once I ate like 3 entrees of this or something when I was 8.

I wish I had that in high school.

Denounce Bicyclists: Bicyclists are Imperialists of the Road

The people’s roads are a marvel of modern, socialist thought and engineering, a wonder for all noble workers to share. Yet there are those who seek to destroy the peace of the masses’ pavement. These are the imperialistic cyclists.

Cyclists are the scourge of our noble, socialist roads where reside and travel our noble, socialist automobiles. I do not mean to say that all cyclists are ignoble, capitalist bourgeoisie. Some of them, however, are certainly so. The following scenario is one I encounter often, and one I am sure you too, comrades, have experienced:

I am sitting in my red car, driving peacefully on our glorious people’s roads, singing praises to the people’s democracy. As I am driving on my lane – as dictated by the most worthy people’s collective law – and only my lane – no further to the right, no further to the left – I see a cyclist, sometimes two, sometimes three, sometimes a hundredfold that, riding their bicycle(s) down the road. Here is a danger! The problem is I do not want to run over the cyclist; yet he is riding directly on the road where I drive, and he rides his bicycle so dangerously close to my lane. Thus, I have to swerve around him – sometimes gently like the sweet songs of socialist utopia, sometimes violently like the raging war cries of the people’s revolution – to avoid catastrophe for both the cyclist and I. Yet even so because of the bicyclist’s dangerous proximity to me, I am made unnecessarily anxious and fearful, like as if the imperialists were coming to destroy the workers’ factories.

The cyclists, through their imperialist desire to steal the pavement, puts all – be they drivers, pedestrians, or the cyclists themselves – in danger. By placing themselves too close to other cars, they increase the chance of automobile incidents. I have wondered why they have never bothered to use the sidewalk instead of the actual road. In many places, our people’s roads have sidewalks large enough that a cyclist can easily go around fellow pedestrians and cars.

I do not say that all cyclists are filthy capitalists or imperialists who always steal roads from drivers and pedestrians. Many have no choice in their actions; some need it to go to work for the betterment of the workers of the world, for instance. Here, however, I denounce those cyclists who merely do so for entertainment (bourgeoisie recreation!), for instance, and those who continuously have no regard for the drivers they may encounter. The driver is going 200 miles an hour, the cyclist 10 mph: only the latter has more time to think and stop or pull his vehicle to the side! And yet cyclists rarely do, almost ignoring that drivers, too, exist on the roads. Do the cyclists imply that the road is theirs for the taking? Imperialists! They have no regard for drivers and pedestrians with whom they share the roads with. Mao Zedong thought stresses: “If we are to respect diverse peoples and cultures, we must do so by equally sharing the sadness and the happiness of the worker’s paradise.”

Thus, if you are a loving, Marx-fearing, people’s hall-going cyclist, I applaud you for continuing to be wary of drivers and pedestrians. But otherwise, it is imperative that the masses awake and denounce the capitalist, imperialist, bourgeoisie threat on our roads.

Denounce the corrupt, imperialist bicyclists! Denounce them and free our pavement!

P.S. The only imperialist who deserves to use his bicycle in an imperialist manner is Theodore Roosevelt.

P.S.S. Further reading, for no reason at all:

The People's Soviet Bear demonstrating how to fight the cyclist-imperialists.

This Thanksgiving, I’m Thankful for being neither a Dirty Capitalist/Communist nor an Eunuch

Thanksgiving, like Christmas, Halloween, and Valentine’s Day, is an arbitrary day given special meaning for the purposes of brainwashing propaganda and/or mass consumerism. For instance, why does one have to eat turkey on the 4th Thursday of every November (since none of us really know whether the pilgrims ate turkey at the first Thanksgiving)?

However, thankfully, most of us don’t really care anyways. I don’t care, because:

  1. it’s a holiday, so instead of doing work, there’s more time to be spent on sleeping, playing computer games, writing, and procrastinating
  2. I like eating cranberries. I like cranberries.
  3. I can arrogantly scoff at another mass propagandizing of history through mutual celebrations – bread and circuses, bread and circuses, bread and circuses
  4. it’s fun – despite the propaganda – getting to spend time with family and friends and something sappy sappy
  5. I actually like tofurkey, unlike most non-vegetarians, vegetarians, and vegans. Also, you just have to know which type of tofurkey to get, since there are several brands.

That being said, I figured I would compile a list of 25 random things I am currently thankful for. It would be a proper ritual and offering to my glorious ancestors whose lineage stretches back to the most noble and erudite scholar-gentry of Vietnam and China. Unfortunately I don’t know about any of my ancestors beyond my great-grandparents, so they’d probably be pissed as hell.

Anyhow, below in no particular, are 25 random things I am currently thankful for.

  1. I am thankful that I know how to use chopsticks. Otherwise, I would bring great dishonor to the nations of Vietnam, China, Japan, North Korea, and South Korea.
  2. I am thankful for music without lyrics, as it seriously assists my imagination.
  3. I am thankful that the Liberal Arts still exist so that slacker, lazy, disgraceful, parasitic-to-society, science-and-math-hating Asians like me still have opportunities to shame our ancestors.
  4. I am thankful for anti-American propaganda, which provides an interesting – and sometimes even more far-fetched – counterbalance to American propaganda.
  5. I am thankful that I can watch anime for the economics.
  6. I am thankful for my brain, as well as the other useful organs such as… of my body.
  7. I am thankful that Japan didn’t take over the world, contrary to what everybody in America thought in the 1980s.
  8. I am thankful for the most honorable US Congress, which continues to insist that tomato sauce on crappy, cheese-and-grease-and-oil-messy school pizzas counts as a serving of vegetable.
  9. I am thankful that I only had to buy a lunch entrée from the cafeteria once during High School (thereafter I had a throbbing throat and stomachache for several days).
  10. I am thankful for my mom and grandma, who often made me nutritious (albeit blander) lunches while I was in Elementary, Middle, and High School, so that I wouldn’t have to eat crappy school lunches.
  11. I am thankful that double-headed eagles exist.
  12. I am thankful for my friends, at least those who understand the complexities of running a Senate.
  13. I am thankful that I know that Europe isn’t the only place where civilization and history happened.
  14. I am thankful for French fries. The non-overly-greasy, delicious kind.
  15. I am thankful that I am not in the trenches of World War I nor will I ever be.
  16. I am thankful for my gods of fiction, namely, The Catcher in the Rye, Azumanga Daioh, The Lord of the Rings, Romance of the Three Kingdoms, and Grave of the Fireflies for inspiring me in my younger years.
  17. I am thankful that I don’t cry anymore when I watch sappy movies or TV series (well… except with once during Clannad… twice… thrice… no, that was it, three times… well, no, one time it was my nose that cried)
  18. I am thankful for being able to pronounce velar nasals at the beginning of words, unlike the average non-Vietnamese.
  19. I am thankful that I love rain.
  20. I am thankful for being tall, but not too tall.
  21. I am thankful that I tower over most girls.
  22. I am thankful for my family, since they are reasonably intelligent, relatively sane, and respectfully good people.
  23. I am thankful that I have food, shelter, water, clothing, and other clichéd necessities. For now.
  24. I am thankful for knowing how to read. Literacy is good. For instance, I could not have written all of this without knowing how to read. It increases my erudite machismo pride.
  25. I am thankful that I can feel anger. Feeling anger helps notify me that I am feeling upset, or frustrated, or disgusted. I am not an android, by the way.

Finally, and completely independently of the 25 thankful-nesses above (since I am OCD), I want to thank the Senate. You guys and your atrociously inefficient, massive, bloated, broken, useless, corrupt, disorderly, fraudulent, cumbersome bureaucracy absolutely rock.

Also, I suppose I should be thankful that you, dear reader, have reached this far in my rant. So, this Thanksgiving, be thankful for a whole bunch of random things, honestly. Also, be thankful that that that turkey unwittingly (unwillingly?) sacrificed its life for you.

Because the Byzantines did. They sacrificed their lives for freedom, democracy, liberty, and 21st century notions of civil and political rights. Turkey seized Constantinople from the Byzantines, and it wasn’t a nice thing to do.

Pic unrelated

Denounce Herman Cain: Unite Against the Imperialist, Bourgeois Thought of Herman Cain

The struggle of the masses against capitalism, imperialism, and reactionarism is an international struggle. Comrades! Such a struggle can only be forged through worldly knowledge and collective decisiveness. Therefore, unite, comrades! Unite, masses! Denounce the reactionary, Herman Cain! Denounce his speech which pollutes itself with deceptions and drowns itself in the ocean of ignorance!

Let the wisdom of Chairman Mao and the righteousness of Socialist thought reveal the transgressions of Herman Cain against our internationalist struggle. Let the masses see the falsehoods Herman Cain has proclaimed. Let all comrades understand how Herman Cain has unjustly denounced fellow world revolutionaries.

He has denounced our fellow Muslim brothers and sisters: “…based upon the little knowledge that I have of the Muslim religion, you know, they have an objective to convert all infidels or kill them.”

He has denounced our fellow African-American brothers and sisters: “[African-Americans] have been brainwashed into not being open-minded, not even considering a conservative point of view.”

Most arrogantly, he has denounced the great Soviet Republic, Uzbekistan: “And when they ask me who is the president of Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan I’m going to say, you know, I don’t know. Do you know? [… It is just another] small insignificant state.”

Do the capitalists know any humility? Still, comrades, I earnestly believe that Herman Cain shames even his fellow bourgeoisie imperialists with his maddening displays of ignorance. It is a clear sign of the denigration of capitalist democracy when there are fools in imperialist America who support proletariat-enslaving, knowledge-mocking, diplomacy-corrupting dunces like Herman Cain.

Comrades! Mao Zedong Thought says: “It is the duty of the revolution to respect diverse peoples and cultures. There is no revolution without this.” Therefore, we must purge Hermain Cain Thought, the Thought that breeds arrogance, fascism, ignorance, and the narrow-minded bourgeoisie-pandering of the capitalists. Is the whole world insignificant? No! Even Marx recognized the imperfection of the world, but we must not denounce the international worker’s spirit of cooperation, understanding, and basic geographical knowledge!

Do not denounce basic knowledge of geography! Denouce Herman Cain, for he denounces basic knowledge of geography, for he denounces the basic knowledge that the masses must know! But this reactionary, this paper tiger Herman Cain, he defends ignorance, he defends idiocy, for he believes that this is what will charm the American masses.

Mao Zedong says: “Let a hundred flowers bloom: let a hundred schools of thought contend is the policy for promoting progress in the arts and the sciences and a flourishing socialist culture in our land.” Therefore, it is the duty of the educated and rational masses to not be persuaded by the soothing, friendly words of Herman Cain, for his speech encourages only ignorance and delusion. We must counter-denounce him with the greatest of rigor and spirit before he denounces all of the masses. We must purge ourselves of the ignorance he embraces. We must support knowledge and good thoughts, cooperation and internationalism in order to preserve the security and prosperity of the world.

Denounce Herman Cain!

P.S. Herman Cain’s 9-9-9 plan was plagarized from Sim City 4, which is a totally awesome game. Like one of the awesomest ever.

Asian Parents Aren’t the Only People who Think Humanities and Social Sciences are Useless

Because Florida Republicans have converted to that mindset. Or at least Florida governor Rick Scott did.

The governor recently stated in an interview about how college students need to focus more on subjects dealing with science, technology, engineering, or math (STEM) instead of less “practical” subjects – which pretty much by definition would include anything in the Humanities or Social Sciences. Okay, fair enough. I strongly disagree with that, but I consider it a legitimate (if misguided) idea. However, he went a bit further, with Anthropology as his choice (of all the wonderful non-STEM subjects) for lashing:

“Is it a vital interest of the state to have more anthropologists? I don’t think so.”

He added in a later interview:

“It’s a great degree if people want to get it. But we don’t need them here.”

The backlash from Anthropologists, particularly those in Florida, was intense, and justifiably so. The governor, so it seems, holds an erroneous, stereotypical idea of Anthropology that most of us also hold: that Anthropology is a subject concerned with only studying isolated tribes in the middle of some jungle. Most of us who have had exposure to Anthropology know better. Anthropologists have found employment in various places – including international corporations, the government, ICT companies, the military, and so forth – where their knowledge of culture and society are needed. Surprising as it is to some, Anthropologists study people – regardless of whether they are from the Bagwere tribe of Uganda, downtown Chicago, business settings in New York, or an Iraqi village near a US army base. The field is far from useless, especially with the advent of so-called globalization. But I won’t really rant too much about that here; if you want to read more, go search google (although two articles (here and here) are good places to start). Or, heck, just talk to an actual anthropologist.

Governor Scott’s sentiments are nothing new for us Asians. Stereotypically, Asian parents have always had distaste for the Humanities and Social Sciences. However, I find it a dangerous mindset. The only degree that can guarantee you a job is either a medical or engineering degree, right? I admit it’s probably true. Statistically, apparently, those who major in STEM or economics/finance/business tend to have higher starting salaries and are blessed with better job demand. Fair enough. But here is what I think is a problem.

Not everyone can or should get STEM. Imagine the problems that would happen if 90% of graduates got STEM degrees. Or, heck, even if 50% of graduates got STEM degrees, that still poses a big problem. I simply don’t think employers are looking for that many people. Alright, I admit I don’t have the statistics for this, but I think my point still stands. It is impossible to have so many jobs available for just a select amount of sectors.

And furthermore, there is a need for people in the Humanities and Social Sciences. Because those majors teach you to analyze and study people, their behavior, and their attitudes. And that’s important, frankly, because, cliché as it sounds, humans are social animals. Some types of jobs and careers simply demand people who might not necessarily know as much about STEM subjects. As an example: who would you trust in dealing with intense international negotiations – an Engineering major or a Political Science major? Honestly I’d trust neither, but I’ll be more willing to place my bets that a PoliSci major has more knowledge about how to conduct international relations.

I love Western-style freedoms.

TV Series Review: The Republican Primaries 10/20

Well, at least it’s better than some crappy harem anime (that’s plural) I watched ages ago.

Some of you have probably heard the hit series, The U.S. Presidential Elections, currently in its 57th season. If you haven’t, you can still catch up on new episodes of its currently running first part, called the The Republican Primaries. So far, I’ve been watching a few episodes of The Republican Primaries, and I have to say, I’m actually kind of fascinated by all the drama and plot twists and so forth.

Even though this is the 57th season, the producers and writers did not really attempt to do anything too new, probably in an effort to keep the show’s fanbase – not that I mind. Thus, the story is still the same as it had been for the previous seasons, concerning a big fight between two factions, the Democrats and the Republicans. Basically, a bunch of misfits compete within both factions against each other in a contest of wits, strength, and charisma called the “Primaries,” and the Democrat and Republican champion then goes on to claim the glorious title of President.

Anyways, I’ll rate this season using the same rating method I use for all works of fiction. So far I’ve used this method mostly on anime, but it can work for any medium. In this method, I judge a piece of fiction based on four criteria: character (how well-written are the characters and their dynamics), structure (the plot and internal consistency), atmosphere (ability to invoke emotion/inspiration), and guts (a gut rating of the series). A series can get a maximum of five points for each criterion, with five representing the highest standards in storytelling technique, and zero representing absolute abomination.

Character – 3/5

The 8 heroes of The Republican Primaries are believable and deep characters for the most part. Unfortunately, most of the season seems to be focusing on two of these heroes, Romney (a recurring character from the previous season) and Perry. The dynamic between the two is admittedly interesting, with methodical and “I AM A POLITICIAN” Romney going against fiery cowboy Perry. Still, I would appreciate that the other Republican characters get more screen time other than the once-in-a-way “spotlight character of the episode” episode. We have fiery Bachmann (who surprisingly isn’t considered to be much of a token female), crazy old guy Ron Paul, normal and reasonable (i.e., boring and unassertive) Huntsman, pizza dude Cain, other crazy old guy Gingrinch, and angry-face Santorum. Why is the screenwriter not bringing them out more? And furthermore, what about Obama? Why does he seem to be more of a background character? I don’t even know if he’s a villain, anti-hero, or (in a plot twist) the true hero. Is he planning something?

Ultimately, the characters are good. But there needs to be more interesting interaction other than the Romney vs. Perry dynamic, and the other characters need to be given more screentime. I love good character dynamics and characterization, and while this season has been doing a good job so far, there’s still room for improvement.

Structure – 2/5

I usually don’t care about plot as much as I should. Still, The Republican Primaries doesn’t seem to be heading anywhere much in terms of plot. Sure, as I said above, we have our Romney vs. Perry dynamic, but even that is starting to fade out a bit with the last couple of episodes. There isn’t really much clear conflict – who’s on whose side, who’s against who, and so forth. In some stories it’s good to have lots of uncertainty and confusion, but this isn’t one of them, especially since The U.S. Presidential Elections has always been a series defined by reasonably clear divisions and sides to support and love. However, the plot isn’t terrible, so I’ll just say it does its job, but it could do a lot more. At least everything stays consistent, right?

Atmosphere – 3/5

Atmosphere concerns the general, well, atmosphere of the story – whether it can invoke emotion, or inspiration, or imagination, and so forth. With the possible threat of the 2012 Apocalypse, an Islamo-Socialist America, and worst of all, the downfall of freedom and democracy and American power around the universe, The Republican Primaries has been precisely doing that. But perhaps the real genius of the series is that the audience doesn’t exactly know where the threat is coming from – is it from the inside, or the outside? The many twists also irk the interest of most who’ve seen this, and I can’t disagree. However, I don’t exactly love the atmosphere of Patriotism (and/or lack/manipulation thereof), so I can only say the series does an adequate, even good, job here, but not necessarily a great one.

Gut – 2/5

The Republican Primaries is definitely a well-crafted story, don’t get me wrong, but it doesn’t really get that heavy of a reaction out of me. My guts simply tell me it could do better.

Conclusion: 10/20

The Republican Primaries, so far, gets a 10/20 in my book. While that looks like an atrocious score, it’s not. 10/20 is somewhat equivalent to “decent” or “average” in my book, so sort of like a C grade. I mean, at least it did better than some other anime abominations. Still, on the other hand, it isn’t evoking the same kind of reactions as, say, stuff like Azumanga Daioh or Samurai Jack did. The story is solid, of course, even great, but it simply doesn’t have the *punch* to it.

I’m still waiting to see what twists the next few episodes will bring, and I wonder what the fans will think. Just as long as there isn’t Romney x Perry yaoi fanfic.

Where's Rick Perry?

Someone's missing, can you figure out who?

China vs. Japan: An Objective Comparison

China and Japan sort of hate each other. It’s a known fact. They’re also the only two East Asian countries your average white person can name. Because of this, misconceptions arise, such as the idea that ninjas are from China, or that Tokyo is a province in China, which would actually be hilarious.

People don’t realize, for instance, that rice from China and rice from Japan are different. Rice from Japan is mushier and stickier from my experience, making it easier to pick up with chopsticks. However, Japanese chopsticks are fatter at the end, making it harder to pick up other stuff.

Therefore, because the common masses need to be educated about diverse peoples and cultures, I’ve devised an objective, scientific, unbiased, proletarian way to compare the two countries and see which one is awesomer based on 10 randomly selected aspects. Let’s start, then:

1. Greatest Invention Ever
Japan: Supercheap McWeddings at McDonalds
China: Mesopotamia as a children’s toy c. 3000 BC (source: The Onion)
Winner: China

2. Geography
Japan: a bunch of random islands
China: a chicken
Winner: China

It'd still look like a chicken without Tibet, Xinjiang, and Inner Mongolia.

3. Chances of Meeting Someone’s Who Hot
Japan: average, I guess?
China: there’s more people in China, so, by logical reasoning, there’s more hot people
Winner: China

4. Head of State’s Title
Japan: “Emperor”, the only one in the world
China: “President” is a rip-off of the American version
Winner: Japan

5. Medieval Weaponry
Japan: Katana are just swords, as hard as it is to believe
China: Repeating Crossbow – it’s a crossbow, it’s a machine gun; no, it’s a machine gun speed crossbow!
Winner: China

Used in Asian armies up until the 1900s. Beat that.

6. Best McDonalds Menu Item
Japan: Bacon Potato Pie
China: Chargrilled French Fries (at least in Hong Kong)
Winner: China

7. Worldwide Cultural Influence
Japan: anime, video games, and Pokemon
China: grandfather of all East Asian cultures; homeland of Confucianism, Taoism, Zen; inventor of the printing press and gunpowder; important part of the Silk Road trade network, etc. etc. etc.
Winner: Japan

8. Relations with Vietnam
Japan: about half a decade of occupation during WWII
China: 1000 years of occupation, followed by 1000 years of on and off aggressions up until the present day (arguably)
Winner: Japan

Average Vietnamese women going about daily business of beating up Chinese guys before returning home to beat their husbands.

9. History
Japan: bunch of warlords sitting around on an island killing each other (and themselves) and otherwise doing boring stuff until white people come along
China: too long to summarize
Winner: China

10. Double Headed Eagles
Japan: obscurely used in some obscure anime adaptation of some (obscure) video game
China: they probably invented it, but I can’t confirm that
Winner: Draw

Conclusion:
China wins 6-3. It invented East Asia, after all.
All hail the glorious People’s Republic!

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